.

A cancer? The old man had actually called her a cancer. She was losing sight of everything. She looked at Sam and felt little to nothing. She saw Lee from a distance and wanted to pull her gun on herself. She thought of Zak and wanted to go back and die right along with him.

The alcohol barely helped. The frakking did less. Helo was no longer willing, Sam only wanted to talk, and Lee…well Lee was disgusted by her very existence…just like his father.

So she frakked Tigh. So what, she’d done worse. At least he didn’t want to look into her eyes when they came, or caress her face when tears came to her eyes. It was an understanding between the two. No love, no lust, just a release.

She went and saw Kasey once she washed off Tigh’s scent from her skin. Gods she was a beautiful girl. She really could have been a mother to her. She could wring her fingers in her curls forever. Her scent was the only thing that kept her from ripping her hair from her scalp. Her smile made her chest squeeze and want to live. Kasey’s mother made her remember she was nothing.

She tried to talk to Lee once she earned her flight status back. He was stern and unattached…distant if anything.

She came to his quarters, he barely opened his door. She knew Dee was hovering close behind him. She could sense the predatory aura only women seem to give off and pick up on.

She whispered, “I need to talk”.

His face barely flinched, his eyes barely shifted from ice blue to grey.

“Later…tomorrow maybe…” he whispered back, shifting uncomfortably.

She nodded, trying to hide the sheer devastation. That’s when she stalked to Helo and Sharon’s. She felt like she was intruding before she even lifted her knuckles to the cold metal.

Sharon answered and must have noticed the pained expression in her eyes because she welcomed her in, nodding towards Helo.

“Kara?” he asked, furrowing his brows.

“Hey. Um. I…I…” and then she shook her head, looking towards the ceiling.

Sharon stepped next to Helo, leaning close to him, eying Kara with a curious stare, mixed with a touch of sympathy and regret.

Kara felt awkward, losing sight of what her and Helo used to mean. It didn’t mean the same anymore. She was different and he sure as hell was different.

She turned and left quickly, not turning to the sounds of him calling her back. She broke into a run, tears threatening to betray the intense agony that gripped her heart. It was the only thing that reminded her she had a heart…that it worked and pumped blood through her veins. The same blood that leaked out of Leoban every time she plunged through his flesh.

She fell to the ground in an empty corridor trying to steady her breath and keep the tears from spilling and consuming her.

“Starbuck?” a woman’s voice spoke.

She looked up, meeting eyes with Cally. She looked almost as bad as her…Nicholas perched tiredly on her hip.

“I can’t get it out of my head,” she admitted.

Cally’s face went slack, a small amount of compassion and understanding flashing across her red rimmed eyes.

“None of us can. Be glad you’re one of the ones to make it out alive.”

Kara just shook her head as she watched Cally walk away, nuzzling Nicky with her cheek. She pulled out her sidearm, pointing it to her head. Then she lowered it, laughing at the mere probability that she’d pull the trigger.

“You’re weak you frakking bitch,” she mumbled to herself.

She closed her eyes, Leoban’s piercing eyes entering her mind like a bad rash. The feel of his lips on hers. The way his eyes roved her with such desire, such love…the same she had seen in the eyes of her husband, fiancé…even her fiancé’s brother…

She swallowed the urge to gag and pulled herself up, grasping the handrail that lined the hallway. Her mind raced through warm bodied possibilities for the night. She needed to talk, to spill out the words that haunted her every second of the day. She needed to frak, to cry, to relate.

What hurt the most was the realization that there was nobody left. Everybody had somebody and the few that had nobody wanted just that…no one.

Sam eventually found her, pulled her up and carried her like a baby to the bunk that they seemed to always share. He laid her there, whispering things about how strong she was and how she saved him in so many ways. She tried to shut out his voice, picturing things she only dreamed about… Kasey turning 16, the old man telling her that he was proud to have her as a daughter, Helo looking at her like he did at the academy, Lee kissing her jaw line, Zak ruffling her hair…her mother telling her she was proud to be her mother.

Sleep took her thoughts over, and she woke the next morning to the reality of things.

The old man nodded at her choice to wear the uniform and change her ways. His eyes didn’t shine and reflect the love for her they once did.

Lee avoided any confrontation, looking uncomfortable when she looked pained.

Helo stuck close by Sharon, shooting her sympathetic glances that weren’t filled with half the love he had years ago.

Cally kissed the chief and her baby with such love that it made her want to stay away, so she wouldn’t taint it with her cancer.

Sam withdrew, looking at her as if she would break at the slightest glance. This was probably true.

Colonel Tigh used her body, a roughness to his touch. She always left immediately because he didn’t want to look at her for long. This worked out fine because she didn’t want to be looked at.

Flying in her Viper didn’t give her the pleasure it once did. It felt like an instrument of death more than an extension of herself. She wanted to fly it into oblivion and let the lack of oxygen bury her into the heavens.

Cylons. People. Hate. Love. Wasn’t it all the same? What were they all shooting at anyway?